Bonding Without Breasts
By Amy Carey
To nurse or not to nurse? One of the most important decisions you can make as a new parent is how to feed your child. If Mom is on the fence about whether or not to breastfeed, keep this in mind: Dads, your opinion counts, and your support could make or break the nursing relationship between your baby and his mother. Are you informed about the benefits and challenges breastfeeding will offer your growing family?
Breast Milk Is Best
Breast milk helps your baby develop a strong immune system and protects babies from illness, including the all too common ear infection. And the Food and Drug Administration reports that mothers “produce antibodies to whatever disease is present in their environment, making their milk custom-designed to fight the diseases their babies are exposed to as well.” Loosely translated, this means that a breastfed baby has a better defense against common “bugs” and diseases than his formula-fed peers.
As if those weren’t reasons enough to breastfeed, nursing also benefits Baby’s mother. When her baby breastfeeds, a postpartum mother’s uterus contracts, bringing it back to its normal size more quickly. In addition, a nursing mother can lose weight more easily than a woman who does not choose to breastfeed (breastfeeding burns 500 extra calories a day – it’s hard work producing milk for Baby). And studies have also shown that women who do not breastfeed are more likely to develop certain types of cancer than women who nurse. A healthier mom is a happier mom – and everyone in the house can benefit from that.
Perhaps most importantly, nursing helps Mom bond with Baby and to share a closeness no one else can share with her infant. The American Dietetic Association believes that “the bonding that occurs during breastfeeding makes it a special choice.” But where does that leave you?
Supporting Mom
First and foremost, Dad’s role in the nursing relationship is to support his partner’s decision to breastfeed. The first hours, days and even weeks of breastfeeding can be rocky. Despite being the most natural way to feed your baby, breastfeeding does not come naturally to many women. Your wife may be sore, have difficulty getting Baby to latch onto her breast and may be bombarded with advice. If both of you know what to expect before the baby is born, you can avoid miscommunications later when emotions – and hormones – are in flux.
“Good communication is key before the baby is born and afterward,” says Mary Marine, an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant (IBCLC) with a private practice in Antioch, Calif. “Before the birth, if Dad knows what Mom wants, he can be an advocate for her so that breastfeeding can get off to a good start.” For example, Marine says, you can make sure Mom doesn’t get too many visitors so she can take care of herself and the baby.
When no one is backing up the importance of breastfeeding, your partner may throw in the towel without giving breastfeeding a real chance. “If a new mom, who is often unsure of her [mothering] skills, feels unsupported by the one person that she confides in most – Dad – studies have shown the likelihood of her continuing to breastfeed drops dramatically,” says Andrea Bass, a registered nurse and lactation consultant in Albuquerque, N.M. “This is why Dad’s support is so important.”
Showing support is as simple as presenting a united front when friends and family discourage nursing or when Mom is trying to nurse in public. “Dad can be supportive of Mom’s decision to breastfeed by letting her know it is important to him as well as their Baby’s well-being,” Bass says.
Also, it wouldn’t hurt to show support in a more concrete way: Nurture Mom so she can focus on feeding the baby. Offer her food and drinks, especially water. And don’t forget to clean the toilet or wash a few loads of laundry.
Bonding With Baby
You’re encouraging your wife, you’re scrubbing the tub, you’re supplying her with glasses of water around the clock. Meanwhile, your baby is only interested in Mom. For any dad, new or seasoned, Baby’s “mommy preference” can be a blow to his confidence. “I did feel left out … it seemed like such an intimate experience that I was disappointed at not being able to participate [in nursing our baby],” says Lorenzo Citarelli, a Pregnancy Today site visitor and father in Rome, Italy.
But even if you don’t have breasts, you can build a bond with your baby. Citarelli, for example, often burps the baby and gives an occasional bottle now that breastfeeding is well established. “I hold her as much as she will be held, talk to her, play with her, change her diapers and help in bathing her as much as I can,” he says.
Paula Yount, a breastfeeding counselor and educator in St. Louis, Mo., agrees with Citarelli that Dad can take a significant role in Baby’s life even though he is not feeding his child. “Babies often love to lay ‘chest to chest’ (skin to skin with Baby in a diaper and Dad with his shirt off), feeling the gentle strength of Dad’s hands on his or her back, hearing his deeper breathing and the deep gentle timber of his voice as he speaks,” she says.
Danielle Waagmeester of Aurora, Colo., says her husband loved “cashing in” on his role of the “fun and games guy” with all three of his breastfed children and always enjoys making Baby laugh. “With each one of our children, the sound of his voice or the sight of his face always provoked some of the biggest smiles, which was all the feedback he needed,” she says.
If you’re concerned that your role in Baby’s life is not a significant one, remember that these early days – or even months – may be more “Mom focused” than the years to come. Believe it or not, the breast won’t always be the center of Baby’s universe.
“I think ‘bonding’ is what takes place in those early hours after the birth of a baby, and ‘attachment’ is what comes in the days, weeks, months and years after,” says Yount. “Attachment is formed through interactions and through trust.”
She reminds dads that the father’s role is different, but is no less important. “It takes both the roles of the mother and father working together to form a solid family unit,” she says. Playing peek-a-boo, singing a song or taking your baby for a walk all help to cement the foundation of one the most significant relationships in your baby’s life.
