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Expert Q&A

	By Melissa Clark Vickers International Board Certified Lactation Consultant Moms & Babies Huntingdon, Tenn.

I have a question for you about breastfeeding and breast milk that is brought about by today's high rates of children born out of wedlock and from divorcing couples. I've heard several people say that Mom should definitely feed formula or pump milk so Dad can bond by feeding, too, and take an infant for overnight visitation. Somehow, it is supposed to be selfish for Mom not to pump or formula feed because Dad should be fully equal in all things – including feeding.

Dad is not supposed to be considerate or concerned about a breastfed child by working visitation around the mother and child's schedule. What is the opinion on an infant's spending time away from Mom on a consistent overnight basis because Dad has to have his time and equal opportunity to ""bond with Baby"" and isn't ""supposed"" to have to spend time at Mom's place to work around Baby feedings?

This is truly a ""sign of the times"" kind of question – and addresses an important issue. The first thing we have to acknowledge is that there are challenges associated with a baby whose parents live separately – for whatever the reason. There are challenges for the parents and for the baby, and any solutions need to address all these challenges.

With that said, if you look at the kind of challenges each person faces, for the parents, the challenges tend to be logistical, and often may fall into a ""battleground"" situation in the case of divorce and custody battles. The challenges the baby, especially the breastfeeding one, faces include the gamut from feeding issues to immunological issues to psychological issues.

Babies are less equipped to handle stress and are incapable of understanding the intricacies of divorce, separation, single parenting, etc. Ideally, any arrangement made for a breastfeeding baby with separated parents should address the baby's needs – and rights:

• Need for appropriate food, including the right to be breastfed.
• Need for a special relationship with his mother.
• Need for a special relationship with his father.
• Need for immunologic protection while Baby's systems mature.

Parents who are genuinely concerned about doing what is best for their baby, then, need to look for arrangements that compromise the wishes of the parents without compromising these needs. Consider the following possibilities:

• Mom breastfeeds Baby and provides for brief but frequent visitation with Dad, such that Baby is not away from Mom for a feeding. This is especially appropriate for the really young infant who is still learning to breastfeed and for whom introduction of a bottle could interfere with his ability to breastfeed and interfere with the mother's developing milk supply.
• As Baby grows and is more and more comfortable with Dad and less likely to suffer negative consequences of the introduction of artificial nipples, Dad takes Baby for longer periods of time, with Mom pumping milk to provide for these visits.
• Parents (and Baby) work toward overnight visits, but only at the pace that Baby is able to handle them. For some babies this will happen sooner than for others. Mom provides pumped milk for Dad to feed Baby.
• Gradually, the overnight visits can be extended – again looking to the baby for clues that he is ready to handle this. Ideally, Mom is still providing pumped milk.

This kind of approach requires cooperation and compromise – by the parents, who hopefully are still able to proceed in the best interest of the baby, despite their differences. Dad is not left out of building that special relationship with his child, but at the same time, he does not create a situation in which his baby must be given an inferior food that compromises baby's needs. Mom is able to continue to provide breast milk in addition to providing a basis for her special relationship, but at the same time, helps Baby work toward the relationship with Dad.

These kind of details are best worked out between parents outside of a courtroom, since the parents have more of a vested interest in what is best for their baby. Judges tend to see both sides of this issue – especially seeing the importance of Dad's role in the upbringing of Baby. The Mom who goes to court determined to keep her Baby away from Dad until Baby weans will not get much sympathy from the judge. When she approaches the judge with a system that allows for increased visitation while still protecting the breastfeeding relationship, everybody – especially Baby – benefits.

It's not about selfishness. The dad who insists on formula-feeding an otherwise breastfed infant might be considered just as selfish as the Mom who insists on only breastfeeding and restricts the Dad from building his own relationship. There is far more to raising a baby than how or what he is fed!"

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