728x90
my iParenting
From Our Sponsors
e-newsletters
Sign up to receive our free weekly e-newsletters

new terms of use
new privacy policy
award-winning products
The iParenting Media Awards program helps parents find the best products for their families.
Home › Expert Q&A › Moms Relationships and Sexuality › Relationship Issues › My husband says nursing negatively impacts his relationship with the baby. What should I do?

Expert Q&A

 

By Ann Calandro
BSN, RNC, IBCLC Lactation Consultant

I've done a lot of reading, and everything Dr. Sears writes makes sense and speaks to the mom in me. But what about the light-sleeping dad who feels kicked out of the bed by his 18-month-old child, because he can't sleep when baby is nursing. I'm sleeping fine with her until he huffs and puffs and goes to the basement to sleep. I can't see how this can disturb him. He says the noise bothers him (what noise?), and he gets kicked when she nurses. He's a stay-at-home dad and is frustrated because he can't comfort her or put her to sleep (the only way is by nursing or going outside for a walk).

At night she will wake and feels around for me. If she feels his face, she pushes it away hard. I am out of the house working three mornings and working in my office for the rest of the work week (with periodic daytime breaks with Baby). She still cries sometimes when I leave.

There is no alone time or close time for my husband and I – that is for certain. She sleeps in between us. The only reason I really consider weaning is to have a second child. In total, I may want three kids, so if I keep nursing for years, I may not be able to conceive (my period has not returned), and it may affect my family ""plan.""

Dad says the nursing negatively impacts his relationship with the baby – he sees her dependence on me as due to the nursing. He's 100-percent attentive to her all day, and she takes him for granted. I figure it's because I leave sometimes, and he never does. He quit a good job to be home with her and is trying very hard to be the perfect dad. He takes his job very seriously and is a natural with kids. He is upset that she seems to ""prefer"" others to him.

In the times we have tried to limit her night nursing, she cannot be redirected. She screams, cries and lays flat on the bedroom floor. I have a feeling that she is nursing and waking more now that we have intervened a few times and because he sometimes pulls her from the breast to see if she is sleeping. It's true she can sometimes suck in her sleep for an hour or more, but if we pull her away from the breast, she wakes and cries. Suggestions? Thanks for your help."

I am not a psychologist, but as a lactation consultant, goodness knows I support breastfeeding. As an impartial bystander, I think it looks like your marriage needs some honest give and take so that both partners will be happy – maybe not 100-percent happy, but both in agreement as to what will work best to keep your marriage happy. The baby's happiness is important, but the marriage bond is important, too.

Some suggestions might be for Mom to go to sleep with Baby on a futon or mattress in Baby's room and to get up and come to Dad for some parent time when the baby goes to sleep. If the baby being in the bed is bothersome to Dad, then his opinion counts. Some couples have the baby on the outside where the baby will be able to move around without disturbing Dad. Others work out different sleep arrangements that suit.

The key is flexibility. I had friends who made their bedroom a sleep room by putting two queen size mattresses on the floor, and everyone slept together without concern for anyone toppling off the bed.

Mom, share your reading materials with Dad, so he gets to have an opinion on attachment parenting and co-sleeping as well. Life is like that: Give a little here, take a little here. I'll bet the Sears family is flexible – they have a whole house full of children!

Take some time to be together for quiet conversation. Write each other a love letter. Eat a quiet dinner together when your baby is asleep. Do something special for each other. Don't forget the love that you have for each other, the love that brought you together in the first place.

It is not unusual for babies to form a closer bond with one parent first. At some point they sometimes pick the other parent for ""favorite."" Meanwhile, the other parent just hangs in there knowing that they will be the preferred parent again before long. Kids are just like that!

The way the baby is reared is a co-shared opinion. Certainly before another baby enters the picture, you need to reach some mutual parenting decisions.

You sound like such a caring mom and dad. A La Leche League (LLL) meeting for dads, if there is one in your area, might be just the thing for you as a couple – or go all out and go to the international LLL convention in San Francisco (Summer 2003). What a parenting experience! If Dad would like to talk to other dads about parenting, this is the place to be!

It's clear that you love this baby and both want the very best for her. However, there needs to be more communication between Mom and Dad about goals and priorities.

Ann Calandro, RNC, IBCLC"

Related Expert Q&A

More Answers by this Expert

View more Q&A by this Expert