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October 19, 2002
Phew! I just got home from a little get-together, an informal old college friends reunion kind of thing. It made me think about an ugly truth that most of us don't like to talk about: Moms, even ones who are very close friends, are often competitive and jealous about their children. Why is that? Why can't we just be happy for each other and acknowledge that each child is unique?
I'll admit that I've had those thoughts from time to time, because it's natural to compare what kids are doing. But I think I'm pretty good at not being competitive about it. I just figure that whatever he's doing is what's right for him. It probably helps that the things he's doing late, like teething, are beyond my control. If he were a very late walker or talker maybe the green-eyed monster would rear its head more often. I can't say for sure because I certainly don't claim to be a saint or anything.
But what I saw today was downright ugly. I was with two friends who have daughters about 3 weeks apart in age. Girl #1 is cruising and crawling, has a decent vocabulary, and 12 teeth. Girl #2 is walking well but not talking, and has 6 teeth. She is the younger of the two, was about 1 month premature, and is still much smaller. From these attributes I'm sure you can deduce what happened...
Of course, #1's mom is very insecure about the fact her daughter isn't walking, especially when faced with this other tiny little girl who walks so well. So Mom #1 makes a snide comment about her daughter not walking because she's putting all of her energy into talking and teeth. The sense of worry, insecurity, and jealousy that was radiating from poor Mom #1 was just sad to behold. The whole afternoon she was trying to force her daughter to hold her hands and walk and the little girl was tired and frustrated and just wanted mom to hold her. My heart went out to them both. And I got mad about whatever it is in our society that forces moms to feel like we're judged by our kid's milestones. As if being a mom isn't hard enough, we get all of this extra pressure heaped on us. Can't we just enjoy our kids for who they are?
Honestly, I think maybe I haven't had to deal with this much because I surround myself with breastfeeding, attachment parenting families. In our town anyway I have found that the moms I meet at LLL and AP meetings are less judgmental and more supportive even if you're not just like them. Maybe because they're so in tune with their children they don't feel as defensive about what their kids do or don't do. I believe that breastfeeding, if done on demand, helps a mom be a more intuitive parent because it forces the mom to listen to the baby's cues. When your child is getting the best possible nutrition and you try your best to parent in an intuitive fashion then what is there to worry about or feel insecure about?
Okay, I'll stop because I don't want to be preachy. But the competiveness I saw today stood out to me and I couldn't not bring it up. I don't want to be part of a society that makes other moms feel guilty or jealous or bad about things that are mostly out of their control. I love this online community like this one because we all support each other. Now we just have to infect the rest of the offline world.
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