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February 5, 2003
I’ve been trying to write this entry for days, with no luck. Every time I think I have the final and definitive news to report, something else happens. Such is life! The last week has been very trying. Aden is suffering from typical toddler mood swings—loving, sweet, and fun one moment… whiny, aggressive, and contradictory the next. Suffice it to say that his mood swings have inspired me to have a few of my own. But more on that later! First, the weaning update that everyone wants to hear.
The short version: Yup, Aden’s weaning… I think.
The long version: Aden has really only nursed three times since my last entry two weeks ago. One time was very routine. He was playing in bed with me and I could see the wheels turning in his head, “Oh yeah… I used to have milk when I slept in bed with mom.” Another time was incredibly sweet and touching. He was playing with this soft little blue baby doll he has, and he was “parenting” the doll—wanting to wipe its nose, give it his sippy cup, tuck it into bed. And then he wanted to give the baby milk! He tried to pull up his own shirt and hold the baby to his chest, but that wasn’t good enough, the baby needed mama milk! So he brought it to me and I dutifully cuddled the baby to my chest. But no, pretend was not enough; he began tugging on my shirt and trying to pull it up. After a moment of this play, he decided he wanted a bit of mama milk too… so there I had it, that picture perfect last memory that I needed for my own sense of closure.
Of course, the story doesn’t end there, because life isn’t a movie! Over the last two weeks, we seem to have reached a new stage. Infrequently, maybe once every 3 days, he’ll be so tired or distraught that I offer him milk. He calms down immediately, and although he doesn’t latch or suck, he does touch his mouth to my breast, just for a second, and then he turns away. Knowing it’s there is all the reassurance he needs. But then tonight, he was having a really rough bedtime and he nursed for a short time before he finally settled down. Let me tell you, after two weeks of not nursing, it felt a little strange. I think we’re definitely reaching the end but the process may continue for a while.
I want to say, before I continue on with other updates, that I’m sure there will be a few people out there who find the idea of Aden touching his mouth to my breast, yet not nursing, a little strange. I might think so too, but the son of one of our LLL leaders does the same thing. She told me that Samuel gave up nursing when his sister was born, “because milk was for babies.” Most of the time there are a million other way she can comfort him. But very rarely, in times of crisis, he still needs that gut-level reassurance that he can always return to mom for comfort. Does he really want to nurse again? No. But he wants that safety net of knowing he can. So I think it’s a natural progression. True, I don’t like this stage that much and I will probably offer Aden milk less and less, especially as he demonstrates that he doesn’t want it or need it anymore. I think that I’m finally ready to let go of our nursing relationship, but I still want to let Aden set the timeline.
All right, on to other things! After all of that talk about weaning, I’ll make a brief synopsis of the bad days Aden had last week. Suffice it to say that he threw tantrums, took things from Katie, hit her, pushed her, threw things at everyone, whined a lot, laughed every time we tried any type of discipline, ignored me every time I tried to talk about or demonstrate more appropriate ways to behave, and generally drove me nuts. But interspersed with those episodes he was so wonderful! He’s been very loving at times, giving everyone lots of hugs and kisses. He’s had a few actual phone conversations with my mom. He’s done little dances and picked up new mannerisms. Today, I did something that really cracked him up, and he threw his head back and laughed. He’s learned to put his train track together by himself. He sits with Katie in the tent in his room and they conspire together and giggle wildly. I just never know what to expect! Any insight, anyone?
Soooo… since Aden was driving me nuts, naturally I decided this would be the perfect time to start charting and discussing in depth with my husband when we want to TTC baby #2. Yes, I know I’m a crazy glutton for punishment, but thoughts of charting and due dates and homebirths and newborns have been consuming my every waking moment. I bought the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” and I am so fascinated by it all. So the general plan is to get my IUD removed after Aden’s 2nd birthday in July and hope for a late spring/early summer baby. Right now I’m cycling pretty unpredictably so we’ll see if the charting clears things up.
When we were trying to get pregnant with Aden, I was pretty meticulous with my planning but I didn’t account for the wacky post-Pill effects. The first month, we tried around what I thought would be the middle of my cycle and then I had a 7 week long cycle, which left me rather dazed and confused. The next month, I wanted to leave nothing to chance so I found websites about charting and followed a rather rudimentary version. At the time, none of it made any sense, but in retrospect it all worked perfectly (dumb luck) because we got pregnant. It wasn’t until later that I realized just how amazing that was. At the tender age of 22, everyone I knew who had kids had either gotten pregnant accidentally or at least ridiculously easily. But now I know better. My best friend has been trying to conceive since before Aden was born and still hasn’t had any good news, nor have many other couples I know. My sister and another friend have had miscarriages. So I just want to take a moment and send good thoughts to everyone out there who wants a baby so badly and has not yet been blessed in that way. Baby dust! J
Okay, and last but not least (do I have any readers left?) I have to talk about my recent haircoloring fiasco! I like to play around with haircolor every now and then… in fact, I can never say for certain exactly what my natural haircolor is. It’s not that I don’t see it coming in at the roots, but my entire head has not been a natural color for at least, oh, say, 7 or 8 years. The closest thing to natural was in the picture that graces my diary, because at that point I hadn’t used any permanent haircolor in over a year and not even any semi-permanent color in maybe 6 months. But I digress. I decided this weekend that it was time for a change. I was carefully considering… highlights or red? But Derek and Aden were impatient so I made a rash decision to go very red, and boy, is it ever. But that’s not the half of it. My hair is getting pretty long, so on Sunday when I dyed it, I ran out of haircolor! I tried to stretch it until the end, but my efforts were in vain. The front and all of the roots were very very red, but the middle crown area was only kind of golden red. And it was permanent! An emergency call to my hairdresser sister ensued, but in the end all I could do was go back, get two boxes of a slightly better shade, and do it again. Now my ends are fried, I’m $25 poorer, and I’m a definite redhead. After all that, I rather like it; I think it compliments my eyes and skin (green and pale, respectively). But man, what an experience.
Take care everyone! Next time, I’ll try to update just a teensy bit sooner so it’s not quite so long--but if you have any energy left, stop by and say hi!
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