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January 20, 2003
Aden is 18 months old today! He is so grown-up now, I can't believe it. This weekend Aden spent the night at Grandma's (by himself) for the first time! On Saturday we all had lunch with my mom and then Derek and I left in one car, she and Aden in another. Derek and I had an unbelievable 24 hours of child-free time. We made the most of it by going to a museum, the mall, and Sam's (exciting, I know! LOL) and then out for a wonderful dinner at the nicest place in town. One of our friend's volunteered to take Xander for the night, so the silence at our house was deafening. We both got to stay in bed until 10:30 on Sunday morning, and then we relaxed in the living room with coffee, wondering what in the world we used to do with our time before we had Aden?
I'd never been away from Aden overnight before and it was strange to realize that he could get along perfectly well without me. He had a wonderful time with my mom and never seemed upset by our absence, although he did look at our pictures and talk about mama and daddy. I'm not sure whether to be glad he did so great or hurt that he didn't seem to miss me at all!
This morning we went for his 18-month well baby visit. Our pediatrician was running really behind--our appointment was at 10:00 and Dr. Rose didn't walk into the exam room until 10:38. In fact, I had just stuck my head out the door to make sure we hadn't been forgotten about, and then Dr. Rose rounded the corner. Luckily, Aden had a great time while we waited. He alternated between being fascinated with pushing the blocks around on that toy with the blocks and the wire tracks (you know, the one that EVERY doctor's office has) and looking out the window and telling me what he saw. The window looked out on a parking lot, so we talked about all of the cars and trucks (two of his new favorite words). Then, to kill more time, I asked him what color the cars were--and he completely amazed me by promptly answering "boo!" Sure enough, two blue cars were in the front row.
I think Dr. Rose genuinely likes Aden, especially since Aden is a "second generation" patient (Derek went to Dr. Rose when he was a kid). Dr. Rose always makes me happy by saying that Aden seems very bright. Today when he was looking at the Denver Developmental Inventory I had filled out, we joked that to really measure Aden's development he needed to give me the sheet for the next age group, because I hadn't circled a single "no" on the form. I'll admit, it's possible he's just a really positive guy and he gives similar compliments to every child. But who cares? Comments like that make me a happy parent (and also help me forget about how long I always have to wait).
Today, Aden weighed (drumroll please) 24 pounds, 11 & 1/4 ounces and he measured 31.5 inches. So he's still a little on the small side, fluctuating as usual between the 25th and 50th percentiles. Perfect for him.
Now... I have a "confession" to make. In the last week, I have only worn a nursing bra once. ONCE! It seems that my toddler is really and truly wanting to wean. He has barely nursed since Christmas, and in fact I can't remember exactly the last time that he sat in my lap and truly nursed. At those times when he is just so hurt or grouchy or tired that he can't cope, I still offer him milk. He'll seem to want to nurse, but when I get him on my lap and unfasten my bra, he barely touches my breast with his mouth before turning away and wanting to get up.
I'm having a much harder time with this weaning than I ever thought I would. I feel rejected and hurt because he doesn't want to be comforted at my breast anymore. I feel frustrated because neither he nor I have figured out what he wants instead. I feel like crying because I don't even remember the last time he did nurse. I want a picture-perfect memory of it stored away forever, and instead it is lost. I'm grieving for the end of such a special time. I feel proud because he was able to reach this moment on his own time, at his own pace. I miss my little baby who gave me milky smiles but I'm excited to meet the "big kid" that lies ahead. I'm wondering what the next stage of our relationship will bring.
It may be a phase, and I kind of hope it is. But last week I saw all of my old bras in my bottom drawer, and figured there was no reason to let them collect dust any more. The first day I put one on, it felt novel. The second day it felt final. I'm not sure I'm ready for this! And I just keep hearing in my head, "Where... do we go... from here?"
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