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January 16, 2004
I was thinking today how lucky I am to have this time with Aden. I’ve often thought that staying home with him is the best job in the world, but it seems even more fun now than ever. Maybe it’s because I spent most of 2003 watching Katie too and working within someone else’s schedule. Maybe it’s the impending arrival of another baby. Maybe it’s because Derek is gone so much that Aden and I have been able to do our own thing and find our own rhythm in an entirely new way. Maybe it’s just this delightful age of 2 ½ that Aden’s at now. I don’t know, but for the most part we form a rather glorious twosome, exploring and enjoying our days with a kind of freedom that I’m not sure I’ve ever had before, or at least not since the days of grade school summer break. We rarely have a schedule to stick to but the days fly by and I wonder, where has the time gone? Our daily plans seem to materialize out of thin air just as I was wondering what in the heck we were going to do next. It seems like this would be alarming to someone who has spent most of her adult life as a planner and organizer but instead I find it rather liberating. Didn’t get up until 9:30? Great! Realized there was no food to eat for lunch, headed to the grocery store at noon, and ended up getting Chinese take-out instead? Yum. Missed my turn on purpose so we could drive near the train track and watch the train a little longer? Exciting! Spent an hour walking to the bank and the library just for the heck of it? Fabulous.
So, those are the blessings I have found so far in this wonderful new year. Thankfully there have not been any new emergencies or unexpected stresses so it’s been a little easier to look on the bright side, LOL!
Catching up since my last entry, we celebrated Christmas, and celebrated Christmas, and celebrated Christmas… for a grand total of five separate family get-togethers, plus our own little family time on Christmas morning. Actually, Christmas Day was one of the few times during that week when we didn’t have to go anywhere, and it was really enjoyable. Not that the other occasions weren’t, but being able to stay home in your pajamas is always an added perk to any celebration. :) Aden loved Christmas this year and I’m not sure I could say what his favorite part was—the multiple visits to Santa Claus; the holiday lights and Christmas trees up all around town; the family to dote over him; the yummy food and treats to eat; the presents to shop for, wrap, deliver, and open… it was all fun in his eyes. Watching him really helped me relax and enjoy what is often a stressful season for me. I also am putting myself up for the “Mom of the Year” award (insert sarcasm here) because I forgot to take my camera with me anywhere, meaning I have absolutely no pictures of my son celebrating Christmas in any way, shape, or form. I tried to make up for it by snapping a few pictures of him in his pajamas playing with toys on Christmas day, but my photo album will still be pretty sparse in the “Christmas, 2003” category. Hopefully some kind relatives will find a few pictures on their rolls of film and get me double prints! :)
In the weeks since Christmas, Aden and I have just been hanging out at home and enjoying ourselves. He is amazingly independent these days, often getting up a full hour or two before me and just playing quietly with his trains until I wake up or until he gets hungry and comes to ask for breakfast. Sometimes he turns Sesame Street on for himself (I put the TV on PBS before I go to bed each night, just in case) but most days it’s still off when I get up. Trains continue to be his favorite type of toy to play with and I really like the role-playing and imaginative play that I see him developing as he plays. He’s also quite a funny little companion, full of conversation and observations. He categorizes the day into “light time” and “dark time,” uses rambling sentences that include at least two or three “because” clauses, counts “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 8, 9, 10, 11, 8…” ad infinitum, and tells me that airplanes go into the moon to sleep.
Two weeks ago he announced he wanted to wear underwear, so we’ve been working on “potty learning” in fits and starts but I can’t really say how it’s going. He’s excited about his underwear, does great on some days, and terrible on others. I have to admit that I’m not as consistent as I should be. I have no problem with staying home and letting him wear underwear all day long, but if he gets to a point where he asks to wear a diaper I’m all for that too. I’m glad he’s showing so much interest but I also get the feeling he’s not quite ready to do this full-time, which is pretty much how I feel too. Maybe I’m missing the boat here or maybe I’m just lazy, but I just can’t see pushing this on him 100% yet. I figure, every day, every attempt, every success, and every accident is part of the learning process but I still don’t think it has to be all or nothing… I mean, we don’t expect our children to transition completely from milk to solid food in one day so why are diapers and underwear any different? So anyway, I’m just following his lead, which has always worked best in the past and hopefully will be true in this case as well.
Aden is still very excited about the baby; he loves to read books to her, sing to her, rub lotion on my belly, and talk about what he thinks she will or won’t like. My mom and I took him to pick out a Christmas present for her, thinking that maybe he would like to get her a special stuffed animal like his Duck. There were at least 15 stuffed animals on the shelf so I thought we would be there forever, but he was very quick to find a green stuffed dog and that was it—he wouldn’t consider any other animal, even the bear that I was rather fond of! He also likes to “work” on my belly with his tools—listening to the baby’s heartbeat with a wrench, tapping gently with a hammer (??), and measuring me over and over with a tape measure. After each measurement I have to ask, “And how big is the baby this time?” Then he looks around for as moment and chooses something: “As big as the cat/my pillow/that book/the bed/the door” etc. It’s really a riot.
Speaking of my pregnancy, I am almost 26 weeks now and things are going really well. I feel great and am so happy to report that the loss of appetite and random vomiting stopped at around 20 weeks. I’m finding myself a little more tired these days so I’m curious whether Fran (my midwife) will want to have my iron levels checked. I’ve recently been able to resume taking my prenatal vitamins with no ill effects, so hopefully if my iron was a little low then I am already remedying the problem. There are really no other discomforts to report—the pelvic pain is almost undetectable now, my nose is stuffy but not too annoying, my bladder control is not what it used to be but at least I still have some, I’m not constipated, my sex drive is high… life is good, LOL!
My midwife appointment is tomorrow so I’ll try to post any interesting news on my board in the next few days. I can tell the baby has grown a lot so I can’t wait to see what I measure. She is stretching out a lot more and the movements are changing as well—still lots of smaller kicks and punches, but also much more intense ones (my bladder and ribs are both fair targets, LOL) and also full-body movements that I feel in my entire abdomen. I can’t get any sense of how she’s lying but I think that’s because she’s still changing positions often. Still, I’m curious to see what Fran can feel. I’ve gained 8 pounds so far, which is only half of what I’d gained with Aden at this point. But I think I may catch up quickly now that I feel better! :) I’m kind of wondering if not gaining as much in the beginning means more of the weight will be baby-related and less of it will be my own fat stores? Dare I hope? LOL!
I’m also anxious to talk to Fran because I find myself thinking a lot about labor—specifically the pushing/birthing stage which is where I ran into problems before. I’m not nervous about labor at all, because after Aden’s cytotec-induced and pitocin-augmented labor (see my entries for 3-18-03 and 3-25-03 if you want the complete birth story) I have absolute confidence that I can deal with whatever my own body throws at me! And in fact I’m really excited to experience a completely natural labor at home where I am in control and able to work with and appreciate the power of my body. I mean, other than those few who run marathons or climb mountains, when do we really ever get to experience the thrill of what the human body is truly capable of? I really believe women’s bodies are nothing short of miraculous. Anyway, now I’m off track. :P
So, back to my pushing concerns… I pushed Aden out in only 20 minutes, which probably sounds fabulous compared to an hour or two, but since he came out so quickly and had his hand up by his face I tore very badly. It took a long time for me to heal and feel completely pain-free and even now I feel like things are not “quite right” down there. Obviously I feel very very very strongly that I don’t want to go through all of that again! Mentally I know that a lot will be different this time—no drugs that are making my pushing urges override my body’s natural protective mechanisms against tearing; hopefully more awareness and control on my part so I can breathe more, push less, and let those tissues stretch longer; and presumably a pushing position that is much more conducive to opening up and stretching. But I hope that the more I talk it over with Fran, Derek, and my doula, the more I will feel comforted and really start to believe on a physical level what I know to be true on a mental level. And also, any helpful stories or words of advice and encouragement from readers would be deeply appreciated. :)
Well, that’s all for tonight—I think it’s time to put this entry (and myself) to bed. Thank you for all of the kind words after my last entry. I always love hearing from you. Hope 2004 is treating everyone else wonderfully too!
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