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September 9, 2001
Sunday 09.09.01
Lily did not nurse today. She only nursed once yesterday. She has a bit of a cold, but that is not it. She is really weaning. As hard as it is for me to admit, she is really weaning.
I was holding out a little hope that it was just the cold causing some sort of nursing strike, but her congestion is almost completely gone.
Looking back, I was not paying attention to the signs that this day was coming. A couple of weeks ago she began losing interest in nursing when I got her home from daycare. She would only nurse a minute or two or not at all. I kind of thought "Oh she just had a bottle" or "she must really be hungry for solids."
Then there was Thursday and Friday when she skipped her feeding before bed. "She sure was tired and needed her sleep" or "she didn't get her naps in daycare and just needed to go to bed right after dinner."
I was not prepared for Saturday. When she woke up I went to nurse her. It is something I have done EVERYDAY for 11 months. She cried when I put her to my breast. It was a cry of anger like the cry when I am keeping her from doing what she wants to do. She made it very clear she did not want to nurse. I was NOT happy with the turn of events.
Around 1pm I got her to nurse a little while off one side. I had kept trying several times during the day and she finally nursed for about 8 minutes. I am glad that she did, because I got to spend the time looking into her beautiful blue eyes and think about our 11-month nursing relationship. This probably sounds strange, but all Saturday morning I kept thinking "Have I really nursed for the last time" and for the life of me, I could not remember anything special about the last time. Basically, I could not remember anything about the last time. I wanted to scream, "had I known this was going to be the last time, I would have paid attention."
So during those 8 minutes Saturday afternoon I shed a few tears and tried to come to terms with what is happening. It is so not like me to be emotional about this. When I made the decision to breastfeed Lily I just hoped I could do it for 3 or 4 months. Most of my friends nursed for about 6 months or less. I do have one friend who is nursing a 2-year-old.
I know in my heart that I did not want Lily to nurse much past her first birthday. But I did want us to make the 1-year mark.
Like I said though, I was not paying attention to the signs that she was gradually weaning. Even though she has not nursed today, I am not engorged and I am not uncomfortable. It is a little more snug than before, but I am even wearing a pre-pregnancy bra (I went from a B to a DD with pregnancy and breastfeeding).
I am going to continue to offer her my breast as long as I am producing milk, but I am not going to force the issue. I understand that we have probably nursed for the last time.
I am much more comfortable with it today than I was Saturday morning. That last time really helped me come to terms with what is happening and to cherish the 11 months we have had together.
Sherry & Lily 10.05.01
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