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February 14, 2001
My midwife easily agreed to change my prescription to the clindamycin, so everything is good on that front.
Jacob is getting harder to handle. Most of the time he’s a sweetheart, but when he’s frustrated he just falls apart. Today started out very well. He woke up in a good mood, which is rare. He usually wakes up crying, in the morning and from naps. I don’t understand why. And I don’t know what to do to help him. I would do anything I could to help him wake up happy, or at least calmly.
We watched a movie on mute because Grampa was still asleep, and Jake was nicely quiet. He played with his legos and ate some yogurt. After Grampa got up and went outside, we watched The Iron Giant, one of my favorite animated movies. Or we started to watch it. Every time the giant would go crashing through the forest in the beginning, Jake would sit under the computer desk. He didn’t seem scared, but I asked him, “Are you scared? Do you want to watch a different movie?” And he nodded! This is remarkable because I’ve been trying to teach him how to tell me yes if he agrees; he’s only been able to say no before. So I switched movies, and he happily sat in my lap and watched it.
After a while, we wanted to go outside and see what Grampa was doing in the barn. And when I ask Jake if he wants to go outside, he nodded again! So I got him dressed and out we went. Jake helped Grampa pick up nails, and tried his hand at hammering. But then I started to get very tired and really wanted to go back inside and sit down. Which apparently was not what Jake wanted. (sigh) We meandered back towards the house very slowly, mostly by me pointing out neat things closer and closer to the house because he would not be lead. Finally I’d had enough. I felt dizzy. I started to lead him by the hand and he screamed, going limp. So I picked him up, holding him like a baby to keep his muddy shoes away from me, and he absolutely went nuts. Screaming, kicking, arching his body. I got muddy anyway, and I felt simply evil. He just wanted to play outside and his mom gets tired too fast for him. It’s not his fault, and we go outside so rarely because I’m so tired all the time.
I get him inside and pull off his shoes at the door. He became frantic, trying to put them back on, desperate to go back outside. I tried to tell him that we would go outside later, but he didn’t seem to even hear me. I held him and walked around with him and tried to calm him down. He continued his tantrum, and I was still dizzy, so we went into the bedroom and I sat on the bed with him in my lap, holding him tightly so he wouldn’t slam his head into my face or kick me or slap me... I kept talking to him, getting frantic myself because he wouldn’t stop screaming. He was inconsolable. In desperation, I carried him through the house, with him reaching for the front door as we passed, crying “Outside! Outside!”, and got him the very last popsicle. He calmed down immediately and ate the entire thing. I dislike bribing him, but I was on the edge of losing control and crying myself. I needed him to stop screaming and fighting. I thought the crisis had passed, until he finished the popsicle. And wanted another one. When I told him they were all gone, he threw himself on the floor and began screaming all over again. I tried to ignore him. He tried to lead me to get another popsicle. And again I told him they were all gone. And again he threw himself on the floor. After a few more times, and a few head bangs, he came to me and wanted to nurse. And fell asleep.
I laid him down in bed, fully dressed and sweating. I tried to carefully take off some of his clothes, but he started to wake up so I just left him be. He woke up crying sadly about an 30 minutes later, and I went in to comfort him, thinking that he was done napping for the day. Crying like his heart was broken, he obviously wanted me to do something, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I thought maybe he wanted to nurse back to sleep, so I lay down and undo a button. And he tells me no! Tells me no and tries to do my button back up again! I’m stunned and now entirely at a loss. I want to cry. Here my poor boy is desperately trying to tell me something and I’m oblivious as to what on earth it could be. He seems to give up after a couple of minutes and curls up against me, getting very still and quiet. And goes back to sleep.
I read my book in bed, afraid to get up and disturb him for the longest time. It’s now been two hours since I put him down the first time, and while I’m grateful for the break, I am worried about him. I expect him to wake up in tears in a short while. :( It’s exceedingly hard on the both of us; everyday is similar. I am out of ideas. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
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