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Home › Diaries › Amy's › September 1, 2001

Amy's Diary Entries

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September 1, 2001


My prevalent thought today has been that I am about to spend my third autumn with Sam. It’s a thought that has been freaking me out. THREE OF THEM! It’s impossible that so much time has passed. He will be three in January.

I’d like to say he’s grown a bunch, but you know, he really hasn’t. Sure – he has matured, and changed his looks a little, but he is still a tiny, tiny bird. He hasn’t gained 5 pounds in the past year. But he is apparently healthy, and his doctors say he is just going to be small. And really, it isn’t a complete shock. His lineage pretty much dictated he wouldn’t be a giant.

He is shockingly smart. Unless he is has been in a learning spurt since birth and slows down tomorrow, I genuinely suspect he will be above-average intelligence. I’m not entirely comfortable with this, either. He doesn’t miss anything when it comes to our divorce, and he intuitively senses things that a 2-year old should not. He has really been acting out emotionally the past couple months about our divorce. He continues to prefer his father to me, although it is getting better. He stays with his father one night a week, (in addition to the time I am at work – Monday through Friday – it’s a daycare situation) and I usually go to him to nurse him just before bedtime on this one night each week. For a while, when I would visit him like this, he would act terrified that I was going to take him with me when I left. He would act like he didn’t want to see me initially, and then just fall apart when I started to leave, protesting that he didn’t want to go with me (not because he wanted me to stay!). I could’ve puked; it made me feel so bad. But he didn’t do that tonight. He still didn’t care that I was leaving, but he interacted with me great while I was there, and was truly happy to be with me.

But even still, when he sees his dad during my time with him, he almost always cries after him. He NEVER cries after me. And I just don’t get it. I am the one who provides an environment safe from emotional dependency, and gives him opportunities to be a KID, and not have to support his parent. I do all of things right, but I’m the parent his treats badly. His father INSISTS that he speak to him every single night before he goes to bed. Sam will talk to him for 20 minutes, and still cry when he gets off the phone, and then come to me in a different room and out of the blue start kicking and hitting me. His father has turned him into a 2-year old co-dependent, and is doing everything WRONG, yet I’m the one literally fighting to keep my child liking me. I must have been naïve – I really didn’t think (at his age) that it would affect him this much. Boy, was I mistaken. I just keep on loving him and giving him as close to perfect patience as I can, and keep on doing all of the things for him that I know he needs. When he treats me badly, I know it is because he doesn't know how else to express what he is feeling.
I hope it works out soon. It breaks my heart to see Sam hurting.

I know it doesn't do any good to live in the past, but I keep going back to being angry that it ever seemed like a good idea for Kenny to be the stay-at-home parent. Letting that happen was the worst decision I ever, ever made. I don't know if I will ever be able to undo the damage.



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