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Abigail's Diary Entries Diary Navigation: Choose A Diary Entry -------------------- Latest Entry: 10/13/02 -------------------- 4/17/02 3/15/02 2/4/02 1/15/02 9/14/01 8/16/01 7/26/01 7/20/01 7/7/01 4/17/01 4/17/01 12/5/00 10/25/00 10/14/00 7/12/00 6/21/00 6/7/00 5/31/00 5/23/00 5/17/00 5/9/00 5/3/00 4/25/00 4/19/00 4/12/00 4/4/00 3/28/00 3/22/00 3/15/00 3/7/00 2/29/00 2/28/00 2/23/00 2/15/00 2/9/00 2/4/00 2/2/00 1/26/00 1/25/00 1/18/00 1/11/00 1/4/00 12/28/99 12/21/99 12/14/99 11/1/99 10/28/99 10/21/99 10/5/99 9/29/99 9/1/99 8/1/99 7/1/99 6/1/99 5/1/99 4/1/99 -------------------- Abigail's Introduction

April 19, 2000

Lena and Liberty had a really good first birthday. Their birthday was on the 17th but we threw a party for them on the 16th. They were so good! They sat in their high chairs with their cute little happy birthday hats on and posed for picture after picture. I made them each a little heart-shaped cake that I expected them to dive right into, but they didn't. They were quite dainty and ladylike about the whole thing. Liberty did try to steal a hunk of cake off of Lena's tray, though. Lena didn't care.

On the 17th Bryan and I kept saying, "Remember last year at this time? blah blah blah." We also watched all of the home movies we have of Lena and Liberty. It was fun reminiscing, but it was also kind of sad because we had to think about how scared we were about Liberty and Lena having to be in the NICU. Also, I remembered the feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about the fact that I couldn't even hold Liberty.

That sick feeling lasted for over 8 weeks while I wrestled with my faith and tried to come to terms with the fact that one of my babies was in pain in a hospital 45 minutes away from me. The guilt and anguish that I felt almost seemed too much to handle at times. Each time I felt that I couldn't bear one more day of not having Liberty healthy and home where she belonged, God showed me how to get through it. He used my friends and family to encourage me and speak to me in ways that He never had before. Even when I was screaming at Him, telling Him how angry I was at Him, He was faithful to me.

For each time that I screamed there were times when I felt guilty for being so angry because there were a lot of babies in the NICU that were a lot worse off than Liberty was. Because of that, I sometimes felt that I had no right to be angry or sad about our situation. So I would pretend and try to convince myself and everybody else that I felt OK and that I was handling everything OK. That's never a good idea because then I would have a complete breakdown.

We're just so grateful that both girls are healthy now. Even thoughthey're healthy we still haven't been able to let go of the fear that our next baby might have complications. It's so irrational, but it's there.

On a lighter note, we want to say congratulations to Bryan's brother, Jason, and his wife, Melissa, on the birth of their first child, Keegan Graham Aldrich! yay!

Have a good week!