Breastfeeding After Sexual Violation
By Gwen Morrison
“Sexual abuse is the deepest violation there is,” says Dr. Margaret Paul, a noted speaker and Inner Bonding facilitator, as well as co-author of Do I Have to Give Up Me to Be Loved by You?. “The message the girl gets is that she is just an object to be used and has no real value as a person. When the perpetrator is a person who was supposed to protect her, the betrayal runs very deep.”
For women who have been sexually abused, the journey into motherhood can be filled with conflicting emotions.
Unique Experiences
For women who have been sexually abused, the journey into motherhood can be filled with conflicting emotions. Every woman responds in her own way, and that response is dependant upon a wide range of circumstances, including at what age they were abused, the nature of the abuse and if they sought out counseling after the abuse.
Paul suggests that as adults, victims of sexual abuse often have a difficult time bonding with other adults due to a lack of trust, but the bond that can be created toward your own child is an entirely different matter. “Mothers who have been abused and do breastfeed are often extremely caring and tender with their children,” says Dr. Paul. “They delight in their ability to care for a baby in a way that they themselves were not cared for. Women who have had some healing are especially cognizant of their children and greatly desire to be the parent to their children that they didn’t have.”
Barry Cohn Markell, who specializes in treating depression, eating disorders, abuse trauma, gender and/or sexuality issues, and more at his private practice in Parkridge, Illinois, agrees that oftentimes pregnancy and motherhood can be an instant cure for some abused women. “Often women look at the child as such a wonderful creation and are filled with a sense of fulfillment,” says Markell. “Most women seem to be able to split it off separately—the abuse and breastfeeding.”
Markell sees that attitudes toward the breast change during motherhood and breastfeeding from purely a sexual aspect to a nurturing aspect. “But there are huge variations and reasons for these attitudinal shifts,” he says.
According to Markell, how a woman reacts to motherhood and breastfeeding depends upon the following:
- The age when the abuse occurred
- The duration of abuse
- The exact nature of the sexual abuse
- Who committed the sexual abuse
- Whether or not the child received help after the abuse
- What the psychological matrix was during the offense and after—support or rejection
- What the parental response was at the time
- The pre-existing personality or temperament of the woman or child at the time/onset of abuse
In women who have not addressed all the emotional issues surrounding their sexual abuse, putting the baby to breast could conjure up negative images and can be viewed as invasive, says Markell.
*Marissa Salinger was sexually abused by her father starting at the age of 5 until she was removed from the home at 16. The Nebraska native had her first child at 34. “During my pregnancy, I was plagued with fear that my child would be abused,” she says. “I believe that initially, my infertility for five years was caused by the emotional bondage brought on by the sexual abuse. I conceived only after I had worked through these issues. My sister refuses to have children. She feels it is the only way for her to break the cycle of abuse in our family.”
Though Salinger adores her daughter and enjoys a wonderful relationship with her, she is overly conscious of how other people react to her breastfeeding. “I never want my breastfeeding relationship to be perceived as sexual in any way by other people. This makes me sad, but I cannot handle the stress of perception.”
Only Natural
There are times when mothers who have suffered from sexual abuse just don’t know what is natural and what is not when it comes to the experiences of breastfeeding their infant. “Some women become frightened because they have a pleasurable sensation while breastfeeding, thinking this is not normal,” says Markell. “This is absolutely normal for women.”
Markell encourages women who are confused about their feelings to talk with a qualified therapist. “It is important to remember that a woman needs to feel comfortable and natural if she is breastfeeding,” he says. “It can be that the woman has trouble with self-soothing, and the idea of breastfeeding can be a source of delight and confusion. At it’s most serious, a mother could start to despise the child for its demands of her, related of course to unresolved issues surrounding the sexual abuse.”
In his experience with women who have been sexually abused, Markell has discovered that most are able to separate breastfeeding from the sexual abuse, but this is more common in women who have received the appropriate counseling post-trauma and beyond.
“Women who have trouble with breastfeeding might have trouble with other relationship issues and can have a problem experiencing the duality of their breasts as both sexual and nurturing at the same time,” says Markell. “This could lead to issues with sexual intimacy. It’s imperative that they seek the treatment of a doctor that they are comfortable talking with to understand and work through these feelings.”
*Zelma Davis of Boca Raton, Florida, recalls the fours years of abuse she suffered at the hands of two separate stepfathers. “Even before I developed, there was a lot of breast fondling and suckling and such,” she says. “I hated my body for betraying me. I had other problems, emotionally and mentally as a result—like sleep disorders, issues of abandonment, trust, and self worth. I don’t know if I would have breastfed if I had my child in my early 20s because that was a very hard time. I was dealing with myself and my own identity.”
Davis regained her sense of self after a year and a half of therapy and soul searching. “I was able to push past the shame, guilt and dirtiness that I felt about the thought of having an innocent baby suckling at my breast,” she says. “I had to get past the perverted and twisted knowledge I was taught through the abuse to know that breastfeeding my child is the most natural, nurturing and selfless choice I could do for my child—for his sake and for mine.”
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
